Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
You Might Also Like
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”