When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
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The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away