god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
You Might Also Like
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Worst perfume name ever.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche