*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
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Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’