the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
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The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.