“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
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4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair