Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
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I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Word!
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.