[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
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“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.