5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
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Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime