Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
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look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I’m having an out of money experience.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost