Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
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Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!