You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
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Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Me sliding into hell like
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.