Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
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I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work