Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
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[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.