“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
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[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.