School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
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Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face