[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
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Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I can also cook 😂
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming