My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
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I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.