At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic