boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
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it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
BRO LMFAO
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?