Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
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I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
This January has 47 Mondays
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them