This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
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Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.