You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
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My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.