It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
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[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
hmmm
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I have questions??
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!