I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
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Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
These are too funny not to post 😂
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler