*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
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Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”