Bout to have the best sleep of my life
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[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
absolute chaos
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*