Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
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The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”