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Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
rapatouille
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.