[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
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They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Is….Is this an option?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.