Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
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At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?