[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
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When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store