Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
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if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.