INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
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*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Unexpected Judgment
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Midwest trash talk
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.