Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
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I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!