I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
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Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.