My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
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Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Thank you corporation very cool
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Meeeee too!
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.