me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
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Never mess with a drunken pig.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?