I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Me too
So we got a goldfish…
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?