My body is a “wonder what happened” land
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Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol