If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
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-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
#catsoftwitter
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now