I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
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Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
In space, no one can hear…
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable