Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
You Might Also Like
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.