[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
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If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Lassie, get help!
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics