Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
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What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
these two trucks have the same bed length
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows