it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
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So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
The Punning Dead.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
my nickname in college
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars