Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
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Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Hey I worked for it too!
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.