If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
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I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous