Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
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.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.