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If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi